Overcoming Inner Violence

Alessandra Franco

My inner violence is something that affects me almost everyday. It is a chain of behavior and reaction which I am trying to break. What I mean by inner violence is the feelings of turbulence and rage that invade my body and mind when things don't go right.

Recently, for example, I started school. However, I didn't know what I wanted to study and this made me feel uncertain and confused about my future. These feeling made me anxious, depressed and moody. My mother's reactions to my behavior, although I know she wants the best for me, tends to further upset me and trigger this cycle of inner violence. My mother, seeing my reaction when things aren't going well, will tell me that I am arrogant. She'll say, "your arrogance is the reason you can't achieve your goal." I know she is right and would like to tell her so, but once this cycle is triggered I find myself exploding in anger. I then react by yelling. Which of course causes her to give more motherly advice. Thus, the cycle.

My father, after hearing me complain of depression many times, sent me to a psychoanalyst. I soon discovered, after being in therapy, that no one could bring me inner peace, but me.

In my effort to change this inner violence I have found three things that help me; allowing myself to cry, faith and using my creative side through poetry and art.
Someone once told me that when I get upset I should cry. They said, "let it all out. Crying cleanses the soul. If you don't cry the tears will stay inside you rusting your heart and soul." I never knew, until I tried it, how true something that sounds so unreal could be. When I held back from crying I could feel my thoughts eating me up and building up the inner rage.

Sometimes I spend hour in my room writing poetry, through this I am able to relinquish all my thoughts on a piece of paper. My inner rage then turns into passion as I weave rhyming words into a beautiful story about my desires and fears. Sometimes, instead of writing, I grab a brush and paint. I blend bold, bright colors which are the opposite of my present mood.

I find immeasurable comfort in these three things. They help me to control my inner violence. There is an adage which says, "All good things must come to an end." I figure all bad things must also end. I am convinced that by fighting hard to overcome my inner violence I am making causes for the joyous moments to outnumber and overshadow the troubling times.

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