Role Play
Words and Delivery
Name Game
Four Questions
Personal Artifacts
Walk in my Shoes
Name 5
Tolerance
People Treasure Hunt
"I" Statements
Affirmation
Concentric Circle

"I" Statements

Rationale: To clarify for oneself and others the feelings and assumptions that surround a problem. To "un-muddy" a conflict situation.

Time: 20 - 30 minutes

Materials: 5 or 6 large pieces of paper, magic markers and tape

Sequence:

  1. Think about who owns the problem (whose problem is it?)
    • If I am bothered, that is my problem
    • If you are bothered, that is your problem
    • If we care about each other's feelings, or if the other may be prompted into action that affects both, it is our problem
  2. Describe "I" statements as being made up of three parts:
    • When you...
    • I feel...
    • because ... (the focus is on my feelings).

    Example 1: When you interrupted me speaking

    I felt angry
    because I was feeling unimportant.

    NOTE: When we say "I feel that ... bla...bla ... bla..." this type of statement is usually a thought about feelings.

    Example 2: When you interrupted me speaking

    I felt that you did not want to listen to me.

    Ask, "Did anyone noticed the difference between these two examples." If no one comments within about 15 seconds. Just move on to the next step.

  3. Describe "You" statements (the focus is on the shortcomings of the other person).
  4. Describe disguised "You" statements (it seems to have the form of an "I" statement, but it contains an implied projection of blame on the other person, which makes it in reality a "You" statement).
  5. Steps 6 & 7 are optional because it could get time consuming. However, it could be done if you can keep an eye on the time. Trust your judgement!
  6. Put the following heading on each piece of paper and tape to wall:
    Conflict
    Situation    		 "I"
    Statement    		 "You"
    Statement    		 Disguised
    "You" Statement
  7. Ask for conflict situations; have people speak in roles of people in their situation, think of things they might say and put the saying in the suitable column.
  8. Discuss difficulties you run into. Note that anger usually produces a "you" statement. Note that judgments are there; they exist. Pretending they don't exist simply drives them underground.
  9. Note that judgments rest on assumptions. Try to clarify the assumptions. Clarify that other people are not obliged to act on assumptions they don't share.
  10. Be very clear that "I" statements will not work if what you really want to do is to control the other person. However, if you want to clarify the problem and give both yourself and the other person a chance to be part of the solution, "I" statements can be very helpful.
  11. "I" statements, rightly used can be part of trusting and valuing both yourself and the other person.